The Romans got a lot of things right. From erecting aquaducts and roads, to inadvertently starting major world religions to kicking the shit out of their neighbors, they were badasses. I’ve been reading about them again and I came across something else I liked: the patronage system.

How it works is: you have a patron and a client. The patron is usually a wealthy (or wealthier) person. The client is usually one of the great unwashed masses. The client, in exchange for money from the patron, performs services. These can range from attending a funeral and weeping on command, to starting rumors and riots that advantage the patron. (So, pretty much like modern business).

And for the most part, this arrangement works well. The patron gets the ability to summon instant crowds in order to heckle rival orators, and the client has enough money at the end of the day to pick up some bread on the way home from the Forum. Everyone’s a winner.

This system was adapted in the Middle Ages to form the backbone of the Arts. The Three Ms, for example (Medicis, Mozart, Michaelangelo), were all clientes contracted at one point or another to do things like paint murals, compose symphonies or compose symphonies about murals. I’d even go so far as to guess (wildly, inaccurately) that 90% of the major museum pieces were borne of this arrangement.

And so, in that proud tradition, and in the spirit of trying things which I have no business trying, I’m offering to write you a song. For money.

Ever wanted an inexpensive theme song lovingly crafted to nowhere near your exact specifications?

Ever been sitting around the house going “Man, I should totally, like, pay someone to write something for me!”

Ever had the urge to hand over your original song to a total stranger and have them take it apart and rebuild it from scratch?

Well, here’s your chance!

For the low, low introductory price of I’m Not Sure Yet, I’ll make a song for you. A real song, too. Not just 5 minutes of feedback or heavily-delayed loops of dialogue from Everybody Loves Raymond. We’re talking verses, choruses, maybe even a bridge if I can ever figure out how to write one.

Guidelines:

• You can suggest styles or elements you’d like and I’ll do my level best to accomodate. I can’t guarantee I’ll get it right, but I will certainly try. You’re my patron after all.
• Structure is up to you. Want one long verse followed by two small choruses? Done. Want a song comprised of nothing but bridges?* Done. (*Trust me, you don’t want this.)
• Estimated turnaround time, after factoring in indecision, speculation and rampant perfectionism, is about two weeks. Give or take.
• Each song will come in its own hastily-constructed case and come complete with a brief bio, personal thankyou note and perhaps some random crap that I find in my desk drawer while I’m looking for stamps.
• Anonymous commissions are fine, welcome even.
• Though I will negotiate fairly and work hard to fashion something you’ll like, I retain veto power. I don’t want to hand you something craptacular, and you don’t want that either. So if it isn’t going well, or I’m stuck, I may request some additional time.
• I’m actually not kidding.

Sounds good? No? What do you have to lose except, possibly, the ability to make your rent payment?

If you are interested, shoot me an email. We’ll talk. Frivolous or serious inquiries only please.

Meta: Romans, Music, Patronage